The Total Makeover

~Toxic Relationships - For All the Wrong Reasons~

In my last post I talked about one or two reasons you should never choose to be in a relationship. Now I want to give you a list of more reasons. There are many reasons for wanting a relationship. We are going to deal with the wrong reasons to want a relationship.

1. The desire to be loved
2. Desperation
3. To feel complete
4. All my other friends have someone
5. Intimacy
6. Loneliness
7. Way out of a current situation
8. Money
9. Convenience
10. Fear of being alone

I'm sure there are many more reasons, but these are the only ones that come to mind at this point. These are the top ten reasons many women want to be in a relationship. If you find yourself wanting a relationship because of any of these reasons mentioned you need to stop and reevaluate some things in your life. You should never want or desire a relationship because of any of the reasons mentioned. This will only lead to you being unhappy and may potentially lead to a toxic relationship.

I can't stress enough how important it is to be satisfied with the place God has you. Be satisfied where God has you. Having that right relationship is important for your health, well-being and you as an overall person. Relationships really do effect who you are as a person. So when you choose to be in a relationship with someone make sure it will enhance your life, not take away from it.

When considering a relationship….

1. You should be satisfied where God has you. Sometimes God has you in a holding place. He wants to be your only desire. He wants to take first place in your life. He wants your focus to be on him so he can complete some things in you.
2. Make sure that the relationship you are considering will enhance your life. Remember we are making life choices and not right now choices. A life choice will enhance your life and add growth.

Talk to me:

1. Have you ever been in a relationship for all the wrong reasons?
2. How did that relationship affect your life?

"Activating and Building the Godly Woman in You"

~ Toxic Relationships - Pushing Past Desperation~

I wanted to take the time to write about this subject because I think sometimes we don't realize we are acting out of desperation. There is a difference between a desire and desperation. A desire is simply a wish, a longing or craving; a want.

Desperate is being reckless or dangerous. This causes you to make rash or frantic decision that could be damaging. We have to understand that men need us not the other way around. God said it was not good for man to be alone.

We were made to be a helpmeet or the helpmate therefore giving us the ability to sometimes multi-task, nurture and birth an idea into existence. This is built into us and we have a strong desire to do and be all these things. That desire in us builds to a place in our lives that, if not fulfilled in other ways, leads to desperation.

As a single, had I known how to fulfill these desires in other ways I would not have made bad relationship decisions. There are many things/reasons that lead up to poor relationship choices.

To move past desperation you must:

1. First Love Yourself. Loving yourself means you only want the best for yourself. This means being selective in who you choose to be in a relationship with. It is loving who God made you to be and being content in the place He has you.
2. Make life choices instead of right now choices. When you make a life choice you're making a choice that will enhance your life not take years away. You make choices that will increase your quality of life. Don't give in to what feels good for the moment…look at the long term effects on your life.
3. Never compare yourself to others. When you compare yourself to others you will always fall short. Don't look at their relationship, don't covet. Not only is it a sin you want to learn to be the best you – you can be.
4. Find more fulfilling ways to fill your time. When you sit idle you allow your mind to wander into what if's and if I had. Learn to follow your dream, set goals and do things you love. Don't get consumed with relationships. Give God a chance to do His thing and bring you the relationship that you are worth.
5. Learn to trust God. This is the most important one of all. If you trust God to send you a mate you have won half the battle. The other half is knowing how to spot a counterfeit and identifying potential warning signs. Being submitted to your spiritual leadership can help you weed out potential relationship hazards.

 

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"Activating and Building the Godly Woman in You"

 

Toxic Relationships – The Warning Signs

I was talking to my son about what attracted me to his father, my husband. He wanted to know what was it that attracted me to his dad. I sat and thought about it for a moment and the one thing that automatically came to mind…"He was different."

As I said many times before, I dated the bad guy and the guy I thought I could change. It just didn't work out. Sometimes I think that we, as women, don't know what we want in a man and especially out of a relationship. We have all of these preconceived notions about what a man should be like or what a relationship should be. We get most of our information from the television shows we watch. We see the steamy love scenes, how relationships are formed, the drama and we think that this is how relationships are. We see the woman with the bad guy and how their relationship seems hot and explosive, but we fail to realize that it's more to a relationship than being hot and passionate.

I have seen women in the church choose relationships like a blind woman choosing an outfit in a department store. They have no idea what it looks like or how it looks on them. The only thing they have to go by is the way it feels and how it smells. Sometimes women in the church fall into this category when selecting who they will be in a relationship with – the man makes them feel good and his smell can be enticing. The following is a list of warning signs that will give you things to look out for:

• Unable to keep employment
• Plays the blame game
• Never accepts responsibility
• Poor family relationships
• He needs to control
• When words hurt
• Uproots support systems
• Quietly retreats
• Keeps background a secret
• Reminds you of your past
• Pseudo Christian

To find out more details about each warning signs listed above, look for my upcoming tele-course launching in October.

Talk to me:

1. Do you recognize any of the warning signs above?
2. Have you intentionally overlooked any warning signs?

 

"Activating and Building the Godly Woman in You"

 

Friendship

Friendship - what does friendship mean to you? How do you define a true friend? These are all the questions I have been asking myself for the last several days. For a long time I have defined friends by the ability to trust them with my feelings and the ability to tell them how I feel without them being offended. Recently I have come to realize that all those things are not enough. A friend should know their boundaries and know when things are just not appropriate to say or ask. A friend should also be able to take what they dish out.

Please share with me your thoughts and feelings on the subject.

"From A Man's Point of View"

In this month’s post of “From a Man’s Point of View” I want to talk to my unmarried sisters about loving themselves and seeing themselves through God’s eyes and not a man. You do not need a man to define who you are. God has already given definition to your life when He created you and no man can ever take the place of God. God said that you are fearfully and wonderfully made in His image, therefore, the true definition of who you are is defined in the image of God and not a man.

           

            I see too many of my sisters frustrated and hurt because they don’t have a man. They feel that having a man will make them feel fulfilled. They feel the pressure and hear the words of others that look at their singleness as a plague. I say celebrate your singleness, and start loving yourself. The only way a man can truly love you is if you first love you. Be happy with being in your own presence. When you can love yourself and enjoy your time alone and know you are not lonely, is the time when you can be made to be that good thing ready to be found.

           

             I have said all of that knowing this is the month for Valentine’s Day. You may desire to be with someone on that road to marriage, however, don’t let it be at the cost of a dead beat relationship with a dead beat guy. Hear and listen to God and not your emotions or those who would make you to feel less of a woman because you don’t have man. Lastly, as Valentine’s Day approaches, if you don’t have anyone that will present you with flowers, candy, etc. celebrate your singleness and love yourself and buy your own flowers, candy, and card, look in the mirror and tell yourself “I Love Being Me”. Be healed and made whole in Jesus Name.

By: Brian Johnson

~Keeping Your Relationship Fresh~

Plunging in a relationship is not always a blissful walk. There will always be ups and downs and several bumpy roads while trudging along. And with the inflating cases of divorce and break ups, it is sometimes inevitable not to wonder about the reality of a happy ending. Good news is there are several techniques that you can use to keep the flame of love burning or even give it a boost if it's already on the rocks.

• Always Reminisce the First Time. Remembering the first time the two of you met, your first date, your first kiss, and all your other first times is a sweet way to bond and relive your memories together.

 

• Flirt. Just because you're already going steady doesn't mean that you can no longer flirt with each other. Ever wondered why your boyfriend finds it exciting to be with another woman even if the two of you are already in a relationship? What does this other woman have that you don't? Perhaps it's the charm or the seduction that you used to have but eventually lost since you've been a couple. The same goes with the relationship between a husband and a wife. What is the usual quality of mistresses? The common denominator is their ability to flirt with guys. So slip on a sexy outfit the next time you and your husband go out.

 

• Stop Digging up the Past. Leave those excess baggage's at the front door before entering into a new relationship. Arguments must also be settled once and for all, and never reheat the same issue for breakfast. Going back to the same topic time and again can be exhausting and can even add more damage to the relationship. Resolved issues must be placed inside a locked chest box and thrown away.

 

• Keep the Surprises Coming. Surprises keep the relationship exciting, and they also give you something to look forward to each day. You don't have to spend much to surprise your loved one. Just perform an ordinary act in an extraordinary manner. The regular usually becomes special depending on how it was executed. Singing for him on his birthday in front of his friends, even if you can't carry a tune, is really sweet. And leaving a simple note on your husband's mirror the morning before he wakes up is definitely heartwarming.

 

• Take Time to Have a Hearty Talk. Sweet nothings are definitely something that couples can't have enough of. But why not try to plunge into an intense discussion or an insightful debate about anything under the sun. Trust me; you'll get to know your significant other better.

 

• Stop Pushing Each Other. Quit pressuring each other by demanding too much time and attention. You each have your own life to manage and asking too much of what he can give you is straining. If he can't come and see you tonight then try to understand. Perhaps he's just really busy. Don't add to the yoke by incessantly nagging him. If are married it is important to spend time together and also respect each others space.

 

• Get Some Time Off. Give each other a breather by having some time off. Calling and seeing each other 24/7 can be too much. Wouldn't it be nice if you leave room to long for your significant other? Making him your world can be unhealthy at times. You have a life of your own so don't make him the center of it.

 

• Compromise. It's not about who wins or loses. You are not in a competition where one should emerge as victor and the other as loser. Learn the art of compromising because if you won't, you will get nowhere with all the arguments and squabbles you are getting into. Don't wait for your partner to swallow his pride and come up to you to say, "I'm sorry." Be mature enough to do the first move if you think that it's the only way to end up the spat. Pointing out whoever caused the disagreement doesn't matter anymore. Discuss the reason of the misunderstanding and talk it out like grownups. Stop putting the blame on someone.

 

Women Are A Treasure!

I think one of the worst statements a woman can make is,” I just need a man” as if a man is the solution to  your issues and the completion of who you are. When we think of a relationship between a man and a woman we must view God’s divine order for relationships between the two. First of all before God created the physical nature of a woman she already was a spirit being yet to be revealed in the natural.  God created Adam in the natural first, however, it was God who determined that it was not good for Adam to be alone, therefore, putting Adam asleep and creating Eve out of Adam and presenting Eve to Adam causing Adam to say Wo-man!

God made the woman to be the helpmate for the man. God’s word says a man that finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from God. The woman is to be found by the man to help the man for the man to love her and give himself for her. The man is the giver and the woman the receiver. The man gives the woman his dreams and goals and she helps them to come to pass.

Going back to the woman being a man’s good thing I equate that to a person finding a treasure. When a person seeks for a treasure, where ever the treasure is hidden it already has value. That is why a person seeks to find it. The treasure does not become valuable once it is found. Women you are that treasure that some man is in search of. You already have worth and value.

If a man comes to make you feel valuable then you are not his treasure. You are not waiting to be validated by a man. God validated you when he created you. You are beautifully and wonderfully made in the image of God. When a man, a true man of God whose footsteps are ordered by the Lord finds you, you bring the favor of God to the man. You are able to help the man and he will love you like Christ loved the Church and gave himself for it. So until the man finds you be happy and satisfied with being the valued treasure you are. There is truly a treasure in your earthen vessel. Be encouraged my sisters.

Written By: Brian Johnson

~He Don't Define Me~

Have you ever met a woman that depended on a man to define her? This is displayed in everything she does - the way she walks, talks and thinks.  Wanting to be in a relationship or desiring to be in a relationship does not mean that you have to lose sight of who you are.  Yes, I am in this relationship, but I am an individual with my own thoughts and feelings.

I began to think about my own relationship with my husband.  We have been married over 12 years and not once have I ever needed him to define who I am.  In the past I was that woman that needed a man to define who I was.  I dressed to get their attention and spoke to get their approval, only to lose sight of the real me.

After enduring the many toxic relationships I finally decided that it took too much energy and time to satisfy the many appetites of men.  I no longer needed their approval or desired their acceptance.  I began to value who I was and took pride in what made me happy.  I found my identity in God and no man could ever take that away from me.

No, a man does not define me!  I can love him and care for him without losing sight of who I am.

Have you ever allowed a man to define you?

Do you feel that you can't live without a man?

~Help! My Relationship is Toxic~

Many women find themselves in unhealthy relationships and find it hard to get out.  Their hearts and emotions are wrapped around this relationship making it difficult to separate from relationships that they know are, what I call, toxic!  There are many reason for wanting this relationship to work:

• The fear of being alone
• The belief that this is the relationship you deserve
• The belief that they you can't find a better relationship
• The inability to love yourself and low self esteem

Each bad relationship can take years off of your life.  The time that you spent trying to make the relationship work is time and energy you could have spent in other areas in your life.

What happens when you continue a relationship that is toxic?

• By choosing to stay in the relationship you begin to lose your identity.  You begin to lose sight of what makes you who you are.  You begin to take on an identity that is not like you.  Family members are not sure how to approach you or what to say because your whole personality changes.  After a while even you will look into the mirror and wonder who that person is looking back at you.

• Your independence turns into total dependency.  There are no longer choices made by you because they are made for you.  In most toxic relationships there are control issues.  The person you are in a relationship with now wants to control your every move.

• You find yourself compromising in areas that goes against what you believe.  Your once well thought out and honored value system is compromised because you want to make this person happy. You find yourself doing things that you would have never done ultimately making you a very unhappy person.

Getting out of a toxic relationship is easier said than done.  In order to get out of a toxic relationship many things come into play:

1. You have to truly desire to get out of the relationship
2. You have to remove yourself form the relationship
3. Start investing in yourself and enhance your personal growth.
4. Learn to love who you are
5. Find positive support - loved ones, friends to help you through the process.

Remember that each step you take is going to be difficult, but so worth it!

Are you in a relationship that you feel is toxic?

Have you been in a relationship that was toxic? If yes, how did you get out?